


I Know Where I’ve Been

by gelandspray



Series: Lay It All Down [22]
Category: Glee
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, M/M, Mentions of Finn/Finn's Death, Trans, Trans Character, Transgender, mentions of dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 05:31:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4467215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gelandspray/pseuds/gelandspray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Last time Kurt was in Ohio, he went alone and he and Blaine were celebrating six months together. This time, they are going on one year and Blaine is going with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Know Where I’ve Been

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the delay! I have a few reasons (not that they matter all that much).  
> 1\. My parents disowned me and since I’m between graduating college and my job (which starts at the end of August), I had to move all of my things out of my parents’ house.  
> 2\. I had top surgery! (I know…I’m doing a bunch of transition stuff in one go.) So, I had surgery and I’ve been recovering while going from place to place as I stay with friends and family.  
> 3\. I wrote a trans!Blaine piece in a totally different AU that I haven’t posted and I’m not sure if I will. 
> 
> Thanks for your patience!

There are many advantages of having a boyfriend from the same state and, really, from basically the same area within that state. They have similar backgrounds. They both know what it’s like growing up in the middle-of-nowhere, backwards Ohio. They both know what it’s like to be gay somewhere that’s filled with the most stereotypical of homophobes. They both know what it’s like to go from the bright lights and fast pace of New York to the bleak monochrome life in Ohio and the shock to the system that comes with bouncing between these two opposites. They know what it’s like to go from a place of constant change and constant challenge to the place that was their home for about 18 years and was essentially consistently the same the whole time.

It is also really nice to be able to go back for vacation and still have Blaine there by his side.

The semester is over – _blissfully_ , because Kurt isn’t sure he could handle much more of the back-to-back stress of work and NYADA-brand finals – and the holidays are coming up, which means a decent break with which he can go and visit his dad and Carole. Blaine was planning to only go back to Ohio for a few days, because his parents only take so much time off of work and only take so much free time.

Of course, when Kurt mentions this to Burt it doesn’t go that way.

So, Kurt and Blaine _both_ pack their bags for Ohio for a full two weeks. Then they brave the flight and negotiate the awkward moment when they both hesitate to hold hands when stepping off the plane in Ohio. But, by the time Burt finds them, they are holding hands – albeit with sweaty palms – with their baggage slung over their shoulders.

From his damp palm, twitchy grip, and stiff, proper posture, Kurt can tell that Blaine is obviously and understandably nervous about meeting the famous Burt Hummel. He can definitely understand Blaine’s worry because _Kurt_ is nervous about Blaine meeting his dad and he’s not even really being scrutinized – well, maybe scrutinized by proxy. It’s sort of embarrassing that he’s an adult but he still really, really wants his dad to approve of him and approve of his boyfriend. (Especially since he basically already knows that Burt approves but that knowledge only slightly eases the worry.) But still, this is the first boyfriend he’s ever brought home. Burt Hummel had to listen to Kurt cry about being lonely in the incestuous orgy of glee club and his dad told him the hard truth that he had to be patient and wait. Now, he’s done waiting and his dad can meet the actual gay guy who reciprocated his feelings, the guy he’d been patient and waited for.

So, it’s both exciting and nerve-wracking.

“Hey, kid!” Kurt hears in that gruff voice he’s known and gained comfort from essentially since birth. He whips around to see his dad, looking basically the same as always in his flannel and baseball cap and the particular comfort that comes from the constant that his dad has been in his life continues to wash over him.

He feels his natural effeminate nature emerge as he throws his arms around his dad in a tight hug and shouts, “Dad!” But it doesn’t bother him too much. He barely even cringes at the high pitch of his voice because he is too busy enjoying being around his dad again, just feeling his dad wrap him in a big hug like he has as far back as Kurt can remember.

“And this must be Blaine!” Burt says, as Kurt steps back from their hug and turns around to hold Blaine’s arm, to bring Blaine close again, and to merge together the two big areas of his life that were previously disconnected.

“It is indeed. Nice to meet you, Mr. Hummel,” Blaine states formally, extending his hand for a handshake.

Kurt can see the slight smirk on his dad’s face as he returns the handshake and insists, “Please, call me Burt.”

Kurt has to hold back his laughter because he can see the panicked look on Blaine’s face from the deep-seeded _need_ to be proper and polite – those already big eyes getting even wider, the triangle eyebrows shooting up his forehead, the tight line of his mouth. It’s like Blaine’s mind is trying to reset a computer that’s been overloaded. He’s sure that someday that familiarity will win over the prep school student and, really, if anybody were going to force someone to embrace the casual and informal, Burt Hummel, in his steadfast easygoing nature, is the perfect man for the job.

But Kurt will be a good boyfriend and help Blaine out.

“Dad, maybe we should leave the airport,” he suggests, gesturing around to the bustling people in the airport around them, all determined in their rush to leave and some seemingly miffed by the three of them creating a blockade in the stream.

“Alright, alright,” Burt agrees, good-naturedly and shows them the way back to the car, where they silently negotiate who should sit where. Ultimately, Kurt decides that he can survive without constant contact with his boyfriend for the duration of the drive, so he sits up in front with his dad.

During the drive over, Kurt tells his dad about work and NYADA and gushes a bit over Blaine and his band to which Blaine blushes and ducks his head, which naturally prompts Burt to ask some questions about the band even though Kurt knows that his dad knows the answers to at least half of those questions. His dad also refuses to let Blaine be overly modest and forces Blaine to talk about his accomplishments. It’s endearing and Kurt really loves his dad for it. Burt also asks about the standard dad stuff, asking Blaine about his future plans, how school is going, how he picked NYADA, and so on. Kurt enjoys sitting back and listening to his dad and Blaine talking relatively easily. He watches the scenery pass by in the window and lets the voices flow through him and the safety that those voices and the people they belong to denote for him, gazing at the way the landscape and roadways become more and more familiar as they twist and turn their way to his driveway.

Once they get to the house, Burt makes it known that Blaine should put his things in Finn’s old room, which makes Kurt’s heart drop for two reasons: 1. Blaine wouldn’t be sleeping ( _strictly sleeping_ ) with him for _two weeks_ – close enough to see every day but not close enough to go to bed with every night and wake up to every morning; and 2. Kurt feels _weird_ about Blaine staying in the bedroom of his late stepbrother. He doesn’t know how to piece apart the meanings and the emotions wrapped around Blaine occupying a place that _should_ belong to someone else, someone who _should be here_. He tries to push those thoughts aside, though. He shouldn’t expect his dad to be immediately okay with him staying in the same bed as his boyfriend when under his dad’s roof and that room needs to be used again at some point. He knows they can’t just keep it empty forever. They have emptied it out already, after all. So, he tries to push through and Kurt declares that he will show Blaine around, taking Blaine’s hand – after his boyfriend has giving his sincere, if a bit stilted, thanks – and tugging him in the right direction.

After Blaine has set down his things in Finn’s old room, Kurt promptly pulls him towards his own room, cherishing Blaine’s awed chuckle as he steps into Kurt’s bedroom and wanders around, perusing.

“It doesn’t look exactly the same as it did when I lived here fulltime. I did a color-coded purge before I moved to New York – but you get the essence,” Kurt clarifies.

“Babe, you have definitely _always_ been the coolest kid in Ohio. Your room proves it,” Blaine declares, conveying in his voice that there is _absolutely_ no shadow of a doubt, and Kurt is about to respond with a snarky come back when Blaine gasps loudly.

“ _I can’t believe this!_ ” Blaine exclaims, racing over to pick up an image of Kurt and Mercedes, each decked out in one of their competition outfits. “ _I remember this!_ I mean – I know that we’ve always known that we had crossed path before, but this really hits it home. I was there and you were there but we didn’t connect. It makes me wonder why. Why didn’t we see each other? _Really_ see each other. How could I have been in the same place and even have _glanced_ at you and _not_ done something?”

“Maybe it wasn’t the right time. Who knows how many times we might have passed each other and never took notice? Maybe in the coffee shop? Maybe at the mall? I’ve thought a lot about what could have happened if I had been born a cis guy and could have gone to Dalton? Would our lives be different? I even talked to my dad about it and what he told me is true: imagining what could’ve been is a waste of time. What matters is what _has_ happened. I’m just happy to have found you at all.”

The delighted look in Blaine’s big doe eyes and the beautiful blush on his cheeks makes it impossible not to kiss him…at least until a loud, heavy-handed knock on his bedroom door causes them to ricochet apart. Kurt can feel his face burning and knows that Blaine’s probably turned from a light pink to a bright red when he sees his dad open the door and poke his baseball cap-bedecked head in to tell them that there is a game on TV and invite them to watch with him. Kurt is ready to decline, seeing as he was rather enjoying himself in here with Blaine, but his boyfriend agrees so happily and so readily that he can’t say no. So, instead of continuing to kiss his boyfriend while they forget all about what-ifs, Kurt takes his seat on the couch beside Blaine as Burt plops himself down in the recliner.

However, there is a certain appeal to watching the football game – although, only in that he gets to watch his two favorite men enraptured by all the (to Kurt) nonsensical things happening on TV and casually, easily, comfortably bonding over terms and concepts Kurt doesn’t understand at all and doesn’t much want to. He sort of feels out of his element, knowing that this is an environment he couldn’t ever dream of being part of outside of these circumstances, but it’s also familiar in the way that family happenings can be simultaneously uncomfortable and habitual enough to provide a sense of comfort. It’s sort of nice to be bored out of his mind with two guys drooling over the game again. He’s sort of missed it. He half-hopes that Carole will hurry up and come home from work and half-wants for this manly-man bonding spell to never break.

In the end though, when Kurt really gets too exhausted by the boredom of watching this football game – really, though, there are sports that don’t take so long, right? Couldn’t his dad like those sports? – and he has had enough of pretending to care about what’s going on, he decides to get a head start on dinner. So, he waves off Blaine when his boyfriend gives him a look that seems to be asking if Kurt wants help and he sets about getting stuff ready, pulling out various standard items from the fridge and trying to imagine what he can do with them, during which he spies some bacon – not turkey bacon, but straight from a pig, _forbidden_ bacon. He gives a brief lighthearted scoff. His dad is in _so much trouble._

And Kurt is about to give his dad a good lecture, long ago rehearsed and often repeated, but he realizes it’s sort of suspiciously quiet. He’s surprised he hadn’t noticed before that the TV wasn’t blaring anymore. What he _does_ notice now is his dad and Blaine talking quietly, too quietly for a debate about some sports thing.

Kurt could pretend like he’s too moral to eavesdrop but that’s just not true, so he ducks back, hides, slides to sit on the floor, and listens in.

“I think it’s really great that you and Kurt have such a good relationship. My dad and I…I think it’s great,” Kurt hears Blaine say and his heart clenches with the knowledge that he never hears much about Blaine’s family and, unlike the many times Blaine has had to wait while Kurt finishes up talking to his dad and/or Carole, he never experiences Blaine talking to his parents, only the occasional text Blaine always saves to read later.

Kurt hears his dad clear his throat and imagines him taking off his cap and rubbing his head in that nervous way he does when he begins to talk. “Well, it hasn’t been easy – for Kurt especially. I, uh, I know I’m better than a lot of parents but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t have been better. Having a kid that’s transgender is hard for me to understand. I’m old and I don’t know much about how all this works. I mean, you saw Kurt and the way he is with sports. He can’t last more than a minute pretending to enjoy a football game. He likes fashion and skin care routines and sewing and musicals and big sweaters. I look at all that and I don’t get why he doesn’t like being a lady. He told me he still liked guys and I just don’t understand how that doesn’t all add up to feeling like a woman. His life could be so much _easier_.”

“I guess, for me, that part is easier to understand because it would probably be simpler if I pretended like I weren’t gay,” Blaine explains. “My life might be easier if I liked girls, if I pretended I didn’t feel this way. But that doesn’t really change the facts. I like boys. I _love_ Kurt. Being true to myself led me to Kurt and it makes the hardship of being gay in Ohio feel worth it.”

Kurt smiles at his boyfriend’s declaration, chills running up his spine and onto his head, his nerves tingling from feeling that _connection_. He feels the way that Blaine understands him and the way he understand Blaine in turn. This is one of the things that prove that Blaine being cis and Kurt being trans doesn’t mean that they can’t have things in common. The situations aren’t identical but Blaine knows the fear of rejection and knows every confusion, misunderstanding, and argument in the book.

Kurt can’t imagine the face his dad might be making but Kurt is familiar with the fond tone in his dad’s voice as he says, “I’m glad Kurt has you. He needs some happiness in his life.”

“Thank you, Mr. Hummel.”

“Burt,” his dad immediately and sternly corrects.

“Yes, sir.”

Kurt can’t help but give another wet chuckle at his wonderful boyfriend, predictably polite and earnest…but that chuckle gets cut short.

“Can I ask you a question?” Blaine asks carefully and quietly.

“Sure, kid.”

“How do you—how do you deal with it when you mess up? Because sometimes I mess up and I think something or I do something and I regret it and it just feels frustrating, because I should be better than that. I’m worried about messing up with Kurt and hurting him. I’m worried about not being good enough. I feel like I need him to constantly tell me he loves me so I know that I didn’t just make another mistake and maybe make one mistake too many and ruin everything. And-and I know it’s not right—that it’s not fair to want that of him.”

“You know, when Kurt first told me I felt like I was losing his mom all over again. He looks so much like her and I thought it was my saving grace that even if she weren’t here, I could still see her in our child. So, when I thought about losing that, it felt like I was losing her all over again. But, there was a part of me that won over and said that I couldn’t put that on Kurt. I couldn’t put my grief on Kurt. He’s just a kid. So, I guess I know what it’s like to think stuff that could hurt Kurt and needing to keep those thoughts to yourself. And Finn, bless his soul, didn’t really get Kurt either and he said the stuff that I’d thought before and never let out and it really solidified for me that Kurt is going to get a lot of crap from a lot of people and I couldn’t let those people be family. So, I learned and Finn learned. You just have to keep learning. That’s the best you can do for Kurt. Kurt has forgiven a lot of people for a lot of things. You just have to keep getting better.”

Kurt pulls in a shuddering breath and he cringes at the volume of the following sniffle. Blaine must have heard him because Kurt can hear the telltale sounds Blaine’s shoes make as the footsteps encroach and he panics for a moment wondering if he should hide away in the bathroom and pretend he never heard a thing. He worries he doesn’t have time as he moves to scramble off the floor, but his dad’s voice stops him in his tracks – even though it’s not Kurt that Burt’s speaking to.

“Hey, Blaine?” Burt calls out, effectively stopping the footsteps as Blaine undoubtedly smoothly pivots around, “For what it’s worth, I’m glad Kurt found you.”

“Thank you, sir,” Blaine says breathlessly before walking once again towards Kurt.

Kurt doesn’t even consider running away this time – by now he knows it’s no use. He can’t run away from this. Blaine comes around the corner and graces Kurt with a small smile and teary eyes that match Kurt’s own. They don’t say anything. Blaine simply extends a hand to Kurt and, when Kurt slips his hand into Blaine’s grip, his boyfriend smoothly pulls him to his feet. As they walk hand-in-hand back to Kurt’s room, Kurt spies the bookshelf where one particular box sits and, in a spurt of spontaneity, he grabs the box with his free hand.

Once the bedroom door is closed, Kurt has guided Blain to sit down on the bed, and he has taken a seat himself, he carefully lifts the lid off the box and takes out a stack of pictures. He sifts through pictures of him at various ages looking noticeably more _feminine_ rather than _effeminate_.

He hands Blaine professionally-done photos of him from before his mom died - baby portraits with his fine, baby hair or school photos with his thicker long hair done perfectly and dressed in nice dresses - as well as pictures of him with rough and jagged bangs from that one time when he tried to cut them to look like they did before his mom died and then his dad tried to fix them and made it worse and it took forever to grow out. Then there were far too many pictures of him eating, which clearly gave away the fact that Burt was behind the camera, always clumsily trying to capture candid moments.

“You know, being trans can seem like a curse to some people since there is a lot of hardship and uncertainty. Some trans people wish with all they have that they weren’t trans and I’ve felt like that before when I was at my lowest,” Kurt explains, pausing, looking at a photo of him with pigtails, wearing a brightly-colored, shiny bathing suit on some beach somewhere. “But I don’t feel like that very often anymore – sometimes, yeah, everyone has lows, but it’s getting better. Right now, I think there can be a certain magic around being trans and having the ability to see the world in a totally different way, to know what it’s like to be treated like a girl and to be treated like a guy, to know a little bit about all these things we think about men and women and where they come from and why, to be able to do things with my body that cis men just can’t do. Once, when I had an especially strong bout of dysphoria, I asked my dad to take down the pictures like these that were hung around the house and I know it was hard for him, but he did it. But, right now, in this moment, I don’t feel so afraid of these photos, of the memories they hold, or of the fact that my dad cherishes them. I see these pictures of me and I see a cute kid. It feels like a different lifetime, but this is who I was once upon a time. This is the kid my mom knew and I don’t feel like I can just throw that person away anymore and I don’t think I need to. I probably won’t always feel like that. Dysphoria has a nasty way of fading and reappearing – or reappearing in another way. So, maybe I’ll change my mind later on or maybe my discomfort will just shift to a new area, but right now I want you to see these pieces of me. There can be a lot of tears in a trans person’s life for one reason or another and this time I have happy tears, because I have a dad and a boyfriend who love me and care for me and being trans didn’t take that away and it might even make things better if I let it.”

There is a level of silence that settles in underneath the sound, which shouldn’t be possible. Silence is silence. But there is this base level silence where there are no words, just the sounds of two people flipping through pictures, sometimes laughing softly at some mannerism that has endured over the course of years, no matter how old Kurt was or what he looked like. There is silence that lies underneath it all, settled in but ready to dissolve.

“I-I don’t know what to say,” Blaine admits, suddenly, while carefully cradling a picture of Kurt, maybe at five or six years old, hugging around Burt’s shoulders. “Thank you for showing me these. It’s amazing to get to see these pictures of a younger you.”

“I don’t know why. It’s not like you’re getting to see much of anything particularly new. I perennially look like a preteen frozen in time anyway,” Kurt jokes with faux-exasperation and an eye-roll, both of which are undermined by the tears faintly shining in his eyes that show that tonight’s emotion hasn’t totally faded to nonchalance.

“You’re beautiful. Always have been, always will be,” Blaine insists, dropping his gaze from a school photo of Kurt probably from third grade as far as Kurt could tell and, instead, devoting his attention to kissing Kurt soundly on the lips. “I love these pictures because I get to see another side of you, a heavily guarded side of you. I love that you trust me with this.”

Kurt hums as he pulls away, reaching up to brush his fingers against Blaine’s cheek, trailing up to brush those long eyelashes. “Thank you,” he whispers, “You’re wonderful and I love you. A big part of having a relationship is knowing that neither of us is perfect. I don’t need perfect. It wouldn’t be fair because I’m not perfect. We just have to love each other in our imperfections.”

“I can do that,” Blaine vows.

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been inspired recently by the variety of my family’s responses, some very negative (my parents) and some overall positive and, as I’ve bounced from house to house, I’ve seen a lot of my childhood pictures.
> 
> **Also, a reminder to anyone who might want to subscribe: if you subscribe to this section, you won't get any notifications for future sections. There is a subscribe function for the series and that way you'll get emails whenever I post. Thank you!!**


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